Scared

i fear very few things..maybe its coz i had to fight all my fears as i grew up..when i was young, i was a coward. I was scared of many things. Things like even how a normal ant bite can b poisonous. yeah i was a imaginative kid..i still m..but i saw things..i did things..things most people dont see..things that people wouldn believe..n i grew from all the experience..i won over my fears. i can honestly say i dont fear death. but rather i fear how il die. I dont wana die sick. thats one of my fears. Im also scared of centipedes. The tings r evil i tell u..onli evil creatures would have so many legs n try to bite u. im scared of dog's barking as well..dont ask me y..its just tat the sound freaks me out..not dogs mind u..im all for mute dogs. Sometimes, im scared that all my fears will come back..in other words, im scared of being afraid..of being a coward..but that fear hardly comes back anymore. Maybe coz i keep moving forward no matter wad. Coz i had to u see. We all have to. Even though i dont say, perhaps i m afraid for my family, n the tings they go through. I wana run away sometimes u know, not coz i hate them, but coz im scared to see them this way..im hurt actually. But i tink i hide it so well, that im also afraid that im not caring for them. They aren well at all you see.but they keep fighting. n me.who m i fighting for?. I dont do anyting for them. All i do is sit n watch as they suffer. And i bury my own feelings in. Part of me wans to escape. to leave so i wouldn have to see all this. But i cant. They r family. But i know that 1 ting i reali wan is to sing, make music, spread love n peace through them. Another, its to go around the world helping people. 2 aims in life. But how do i fufill them wen my own family is like tis?. U all might b wondering wads wrong wif me. Just got a little hurt today, n everyting came back at once u know..Sometimes u have to tell tings out..some of it anyway. not the details. But yeah the vague outlook of it. 'A man has to tend to his own garden'..Well im not sexist so it can b 'A woman too has to tend to her own garden'. We all keep secrets. We all keep stuff we nvr tell any1 else. Dont tell me it isn true mates, coz u know it is. Thats y wen u open up to some1..even for a bit, u become weak. Bcoz u pour out ur soul to them. They have the power to hurt u, bcoz they become part of you. Thats why i dont tell every1 everyting..every1 sees part of me. Some see more of me tan most. But theres always a wall around me u know..N if i have to, i can b almost totally emotionless.Talk bout a portable defence system. But wad happens wen the wall crumbles. Coz it did. Wad happens wen u get hurt so often, u put up a wall around urself, u let a few people closer to u, but the wall just breaks?.N this fear is one of the greatest of all. Lord help me. But He will. I wont fall. i know i ain much compared to those amazing people who can find happiness even in sorrow, but life has taught me better than to just sit down and grovel. I will face everything He wants me to face. Coz how else, can i get stronger?