back after a long long break

First, Thank You every1, for being here for me. To be a better person, one has to keep himself both mentally, n physically fit.. ive been neglecting both for a long time, and perhaps thats y lately things have bad for me. But ive had enough, reali its time i brought myself back.Come on, there r children walking tens, no hundreds of miles in africa for just a mouthful of water. If they can keep walking..y cant i?..

My first rap, in like after a thousand years..Just kidding, its just a few hundred. i reali dont know how it will turn out, i hope i still can make it good.

Honestly speaking,
i dont know wad to write,
coz in all this time ive been slacking,
my hair might have turned white,
so its time i started writing again,
to keep the rust in my head,
from settling in,
time i let the thoughts take flight,
its hard though, they seem,
to be clumped up tight,
so il do it slow, il do it right,
layer by layer, i break the walls outside,
to find my emotions slowly stirring in,
man this is hard, its like
in a haystack, im finding for a pin,
while i throw the dark away,
never to be wanted, never to be seen,
coz for too long,
my mind has been a clean slate,
that i couldn even see the dark lying in wait,
like a room filled with light too bright,
i couldn even see,
the dark growing inside of me,
it wasted my mind, bound me in fright,
but the light is now dimming,
my sight comes back brimming,
come demon, lets fight,
my will's stronger, it burns bright,
so lets go, its gona be a rough ride,
like a paper boat, in the highest tide,
but its how i will be, il no longer hide,
if i have to drown, i will knowing ive tried,
to find the pure , the white,
to find the cure, for,
the demon struggling inside,
till then demon,
come lets fight.

Godlover

tired

Lifes been a mess really. Like how my house is always messy. Incredible how a person's habitat can reflect his life. Or is it the other way around?. No idea, im too tired to think. Actually more like i dont wana think. That way things can be done easier. Hopefully. Has its side effects though. Coz i cant eat or sleep, possibly due to the fact that my brain ceased to function. Its better that way. Its better or else things will get messier. Is there such a word? Messier?. Oh well it doesn reali matter does it?. People might b wondering y im starting to blog again, n not the usual songs too. Dont wry, il start writing them soon enough. Once my brain starts thinking again that is. Want me to tell you all something?. Im broke. Not as in ive got not much money, everyone suffers that. I mean inside, broken. Way broken. I know some of you wana know why, especially you kavitha, but i just cant say it now. I will, i promise, one day. I miss you kavitha. We reali need to go out. M i rambling?. Coz ive got no1 else to tell things to. No sry, scratch that, i do, but i cant, not now anyway. Why do things happen as they do?. There must b a reason for everything isn there?. Thats what i learnt. People break, so they can fix themselves up, so they wont break again. But to break just after uve fixed yourself, and harder than before, why?. My Lord, how stronger do you want me to be? Because right now, im not. Im weak you know. Kinda lost the will to fight. But You will find me wont You?. Im lost now. This isn me. So much is on the line. Find me, Father i need You.

Scared

i fear very few things..maybe its coz i had to fight all my fears as i grew up..when i was young, i was a coward. I was scared of many things. Things like even how a normal ant bite can b poisonous. yeah i was a imaginative kid..i still m..but i saw things..i did things..things most people dont see..things that people wouldn believe..n i grew from all the experience..i won over my fears. i can honestly say i dont fear death. but rather i fear how il die. I dont wana die sick. thats one of my fears. Im also scared of centipedes. The tings r evil i tell u..onli evil creatures would have so many legs n try to bite u. im scared of dog's barking as well..dont ask me y..its just tat the sound freaks me out..not dogs mind u..im all for mute dogs. Sometimes, im scared that all my fears will come back..in other words, im scared of being afraid..of being a coward..but that fear hardly comes back anymore. Maybe coz i keep moving forward no matter wad. Coz i had to u see. We all have to. Even though i dont say, perhaps i m afraid for my family, n the tings they go through. I wana run away sometimes u know, not coz i hate them, but coz im scared to see them this way..im hurt actually. But i tink i hide it so well, that im also afraid that im not caring for them. They aren well at all you see.but they keep fighting. n me.who m i fighting for?. I dont do anyting for them. All i do is sit n watch as they suffer. And i bury my own feelings in. Part of me wans to escape. to leave so i wouldn have to see all this. But i cant. They r family. But i know that 1 ting i reali wan is to sing, make music, spread love n peace through them. Another, its to go around the world helping people. 2 aims in life. But how do i fufill them wen my own family is like tis?. U all might b wondering wads wrong wif me. Just got a little hurt today, n everyting came back at once u know..Sometimes u have to tell tings out..some of it anyway. not the details. But yeah the vague outlook of it. 'A man has to tend to his own garden'..Well im not sexist so it can b 'A woman too has to tend to her own garden'. We all keep secrets. We all keep stuff we nvr tell any1 else. Dont tell me it isn true mates, coz u know it is. Thats y wen u open up to some1..even for a bit, u become weak. Bcoz u pour out ur soul to them. They have the power to hurt u, bcoz they become part of you. Thats why i dont tell every1 everyting..every1 sees part of me. Some see more of me tan most. But theres always a wall around me u know..N if i have to, i can b almost totally emotionless.Talk bout a portable defence system. But wad happens wen the wall crumbles. Coz it did. Wad happens wen u get hurt so often, u put up a wall around urself, u let a few people closer to u, but the wall just breaks?.N this fear is one of the greatest of all. Lord help me. But He will. I wont fall. i know i ain much compared to those amazing people who can find happiness even in sorrow, but life has taught me better than to just sit down and grovel. I will face everything He wants me to face. Coz how else, can i get stronger?